What does grief feel like? Exploring common symptoms

Grief is a very personal experience and it's different for everyone, so it’s difficult to know exactly how someone will feel when going through it. While some people might feel instantly devastated, others might take time to process what’s happened. Remember, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve, and there’s no set length of time that it takes to get over a loss.  

National Grief Awareness Week, which takes place from 2nd - 8th December, aims to get people talking about this difficult but inevitable part of life. This year’s theme is Shine A Light, which encourages us to raise awareness of the bereavement services up and down the country, so that more people have somewhere to turn for support. You can find out how to get involved on The Good Grief Trust’s website.

What is grief?

Grief is the emotional response to a significant loss in our lives. When we think about grief, we tend to think about bereavement, but we can experience grief as a result of other things too, like losing a job, a partner, a home or body parts that have been removed from us. For instance, someone who’s been through breast cancer and had a mastectomy might feel grief afterwards. Almost all of us will experience some form of grief in our lives.

What are the stages of grief?

You might have heard of the five stages of grief, which were originally depicted by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her book, On Death and Dying. After speaking with over 200 people who were going through the grieving process, she identified the five most common stages of grief. Not everyone will experience all of the stages and the stages aren’t necessarily linear, so you can experience them in different orders.

1. Denial: You struggle to accept that the loss is happening.

2. Anger: You feel angry at different people, for instance the person who’s died, yourself or God.  

3. Bargaining: You might think things like ‘If only I’d done [insert action] they might still be here’ or ‘If I survive this I will [insert action] from now on’.  

4. Depression: You feel extremely sad and hopeless. You might feel like life has lost its meaning.

5. Acceptance: You learn to live with the loss, but you might still feel the emotional repercussions of it.  

What are the symptoms of grief?

Grief can have both physical and emotional symptoms - we might experience them all or just a handful of them. Sometimes the way that we feel might be contradictory; we might feel both sad and optimistic at once. It’s normal to have ups and downs and you shouldn’t feel guilty for having positive or happy thoughts while grieving.

Physical symptoms:

• Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep

• Changes in appetite, like eating too much, too little or comfort eating

• Physical signs of anxiety, like stomach problems, a racing heart or panic attacks

Emotional symptoms:

• Intense feelings of sadness

• Feeling shocked or numb

• Feeling lonely or isolated

• Feeling detached and withdrawn

• Feelings of guilt

• Overwhelm, exhaustion and tiredness

• Confusion  

What does grief feel like?

Everyone’s experience of grief is unique to them, but you might feel:

• Like you’ve lost a part of yourself. When you lose someone or something important in your life, you can feel like a part of you is missing or you don’t know who you are anymore.

• Depressed and hopeless. You might fixate on the past and find it hard to think about the future without the person or thing that you’ve lost being in it.  

• Nothing at all. Initially, it’s not uncommon to find yourself in a state of shock or completely numb to any emotions.  

• Relieved that a difficult situation is over or that someone you love is no longer in pain.

• Angry at yourself or other people, including the person you’ve lost. You might feel like life’s unfair and that you want someone to blame.

• Anxious and overwhelmed. You might worry about what’s going to happen next or that you won’t be able to cope without the person or thing you’ve lost. It might be hard to imagine a way forward.

How to support someone who is grieving

Supporting someone who’s grieving can be daunting; you might worry about saying the wrong thing and making the person feel worse or uncomfortable. However, if we say nothing, this can make the person feel lonely or like no one cares.  

• Reach out to acknowledge what’s happened and let them know that you’re there for them. You could see them face-to-face or give them a call.  

• Be patient with them. They might need some time to process what’s happened and not feel ready to open up right away. If they do want to talk, listen to them and don’t rush or interrupt what they’re saying.  

• Stay in touch. You could send them texts to let them know you’re thinking of them, or drop round if it’s convenient. If you’re not sure the best way to keep in contact, you could always ask them what they need.

• If someone has died, don’t be afraid to talk about the person they’ve lost. You might worry about upsetting them, but the chances are that they will be on their mind anyway. Talking about the person who’s died can be comforting and reaffirming; it shows they haven’t been forgotten.

• If you notice that they might need professional support, you could encourage them to seek help through their GP or a bereavement service.

What to say to someone who’s grieving

It can be difficult to know what to say to someone who’s grieving. The reality is that our words can’t take away their pain or difficult feelings, but they can help them to feel supported, loved and less alone.

‘Sorry for your loss’ tends to be a go-to phrase, but if that feels a little bit formal, you could try one of these instead:

• I’m sending love to you and your family

• I can’t imagine what you’re going through, I’m so sorry

• I’m thinking of you

• You and your family are in my thoughts

• Can I support you in any way? I’d love to be there for you during this hard time

If someone has been bereaved, it can also be nice to share a positive memory or statement about the person they’ve lost. It could be as simple as ‘they always made me feel so welcome’ or ‘their smile lit up the room’.  

Where to get support if you’re grieving

• There are bereavement services across the UK where you can access support. If you type in your postcode on the government’s website, it will bring up organisations that are local to you.  

• Cruse is a charity that offers bereavement support, helping people through loss. You can call their helpline to speak to someone on 0808 808 1677 or visit their website for resources on how to cope.  

• If you’re struggling with your mental health as a result of grief and you feel unable to manage, you should seek help from a professional. Make an appointment with your GP, who will be able to connect you with a mental health service, which might include cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).

At ieso, we offer typed CBT for a range of mental health issues, including depression, anxiety and PTSD. It’s flexible, confidential and you can access sessions from your own home. Find out more about how CBT can help.