Understanding the triggers of parental anxiety

There are so many lovely things about being a parent, but any mum, dad or carer will agree that there’s also a certain amount of worrying involved. From wondering whether they should be walking yet, to how they’ll cope on their first day at school, to what they’re doing on their mobile phones, over the years, there’s no shortage of things to keep you up at night.

Worrying about your kid(s) every now and then is to be expected and it isn’t always a bad thing, but if you find that you can’t stop worrying and these thoughts are having a negative impact on your everyday life, you might be experiencing parental anxiety. Parental anxiety can be triggered for lots of different reasons, but in Jo’s case, it was in response to her daughter’s separation anxiety.

“I was experiencing feelings of parental guilt and hopelessness which made me feel anxious and exhausted.”

Lockdown was a strange time for everyone, but Jo’s daughter coped with it well. While she was at home, she was chatty, carefree and bubbly - she seemed to be having a great time. Despite this, Jo thought that her daughter would be happy to get back into her old routine of going to school and seeing her friends face-to-face.

When lockdown ended, it quickly became clear that this wasn’t the case at all. Jo’s daughter found the transition of going back to school really difficult and became very worried about leaving her mother each morning. Eventually, the situation took its toll on Jo’s mental health.  

“My daughter became nervous about walking into school and was reluctant to be around larger groups outside in the playground - she would become upset most days. This caused me to start feeling anxious and nervous before every school drop off.”

Jo found herself comparing her daughter to the other school children, who seemed to be coping just fine with the change. This led her to worry that there was something more serious going on with her daughter and she started questioning whether she’d missed the signs of a disorder when her daughter was much younger.  

“I blamed myself that I should have supported her better, which brought on feelings of guilt.”

During lockdown, Jo had really been looking forward to walking her daughter into school each day, thinking that it would be a nice moment for them to share. So, when the reality was so different, it felt really disappointing. Far from being enjoyable, every drop off felt like a battle and Jo quickly came to dread and resent the school run.  

“I thought I was missing out on important memories as a parent of a young child.”

When her daughter wouldn’t go into school willingly or without a lot of coaxing, Jo felt stressed, angry and worried that the other parents were judging her. But after dropping her off, Jo would feel guilty that she’d tried to get the ordeal over with, rather than taking the time to work through her daughter’s emotions.

To support herself, Jo did a lot of research on the internet to try and understand why her daughter could be reacting this way and what she could do to help as a parent. She also spoke to some of her friends about her situation, but found that she was guarded at times because she didn’t want to be judged.

Dan, a CBT therapist and supervisor at ieso, with over 14 years’ experience of supporting patients with anxiety and low mood.

"It's completely understandable that our children's behaviors can significantly impact how we feel, think, and behave as parents. Their tantrums or struggles at school can easily trigger feelings of anxiety, inadequacy, and even guilt. This anxiety can then lead to unhelpful thoughts like "I'm a terrible parent" or "I'm not doing enough." These thoughts, in turn, can fuel further anxiety and lead to behaviors such as checking, withdrawing, or increasing strictness. However, it's crucial to remember that most parents are doing their best, and that these challenging behaviors are often a normal part of childhood development. Seeking support from a therapist, attending a parenting class, or connecting with other parents can provide valuable tools and reassurance to navigate these challenges with greater ease and confidence."

Signs that you might have parental anxiety:

• You display shielding and avoidance behaviours, where you try to stop anything negative from happening to your child by avoiding or removing you and/or your child from situations that you find scary.

• You constantly engage in anxious talk, even within hearing distance of your child.

• You are so consumed by what’s happening with your child that you stop having your own life outside of their problems.  

• You start catastrophizing and imagining the worst possible outcome in every situation to do with your child.

• You spend an excessive amount of time researching parenting questions for reassurance.  

How to manage parental anxiety

• Talk to someone you trust, in private. There’s a good feeling that comes from getting something out in the open and they might be able to give you some good advice, especially if they’re parents too. Just make sure that it’s out of earshot of your child.  

• Write down your fears and think about how you could realistically prevent them from happening. For instance, if you’re worried about your child accessing something inappropriate on the internet, could you turn on parental controls on home devices?  

• Invest in self care. When we’re feeling stressed, it’s important that we take good care of ourselves to prevent burnout. Things like getting enough sleep, moving your body and eating regular meals are really important. You should also make time to relax - perhaps you could have a bath, read a book or do something else that you enjoy. As long as it allows you to switch off, you’ll feel the benefits.

• Get professional help if you need it. If you’re not able to manage your mental health, make an appointment to talk to your GP. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a popular method for dealing with anxiety. You can self-refer for online typed CBT through ieso. Our appointments are confidential and flexible to fit around your schedule. Find out more here.

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